patricia and marty weber were in their walk-in closet one evening, getting dressed for a party, chitchatting about their day, when ms. weber made a casual request: 'honey, i really don't want to be there all night. can we leave after an hour or so?'
her husband's response? he took off his tie, threw it on the ground and shouted, 'just forget the whole thing! we won't go at all!'
here's an observation: the most complicated marriages may be those between innies and outies -- those who like to stay in and those who like to go out. ask the webers. he is an extravert. he loves to talk, gather groups of people around him and attend endless brunches, happy hours and networking events. his wife, an introvert, enjoys parties in short doses but prefers to be home reading or spending time with her dog.
many people believe that introverts, by definition, are shy and extraverts are outgoing. this is incorrect. introverts and extraverts differ in how they process information. introverts get their energy internally. extraverts -- spelled that way in psychology circles -- gain energy from being with other people, often the more the merrier.
there are shy extraverts and outgoing introverts. most of us have a little of both in us, but lean one way or the other.
introverts often prefer to spend time alone or in small groups of people, and they tend to carefully gather their thoughts before they speak. extraverts love to talk and typically 'think out loud,' processing information by talking.
you don't need a degree in psychology to see how this could cause serious problems in a relationship. introverts and extraverts approach the world in fundamentally different ways. introverts think extraverts talk too fast, too loud and too much. extraverts often believe introverts are awkward, withholding or cold.
facebook, twitter and other sites that help us stay connected 24/7 are heightening the differences. in today's social-media driven world, it's getting easier for introverts to speak on their own terms, yet it's also getting harder to turn the extraverts off.
the population is split pretty much evenly between introverts and extraverts, according to psychologist laurie helgoe, assistant clinical professor at the west virginia school of medicine and author of 'introvert power: why your inner life is your hidden strength.' in a 1998 study conducted by the center for applications of psychological type (the folks who run the myers-briggs type indicator personality test), 51% of some 3,000 subjects who were randomly sampled and tested were introverts. in a smaller study in 2001, 57% were introverts. introverts were pretty evenly split between males and females, too.
the webers wrestled with their different introversion-extraversion styles. earlier in their marriage, ms. weber, a 62-year-old business coach from williamsburg, va., would often become irritated that her husband went out almost every night of the week, sometimes failing to make it home for dinner. (he was an early cellphone user, and she would call on his big, clunky model to berate him.)
mr. weber often invited other couples to join them on their weekly 'date night.' his boss once told him his wife needed to socialize more with other executives' wives if he was going to continue to climb the corporate ladder. 'this has been the biggest conflict in our relationship,' says mr. weber, 61, an employee-benefits consultant and broker.
the night of the argument, ms. weber felt her husband had misunderstood. 'i wasn't saying i didn't want to go to the event,' she says. 'i was just trying to prepare him that i didn't want to stay all night.' they went to the party but on the way there she said, 'don't be alarmed if i disappear to the bathroom for 20 minutes. i will need to recharge.'
in brain-imaging studies, brains of introverts show more activity in response to external stimuli. this could explain why introverts feel the need to regulate the amount of stimulation coming in. in contrast, extravert brains show more activity in areas related to pleasure-seeking. they find social interactions fun and are driven to create them.
when someone speaks to an introvert, her brain responds with a high level of activity. 'it is as if several lights start flashing on a control panel,' says dr. helgoe. the introvert needs to turn inward. if the other person keeps talking, the introvert can become distracted from her mental process and feel overwhelmed.
when introverts and extraverts converse, 'what looks like communication can actually be a problem,' says dr. helgoe. the introvert is quiet and appears to be listening; the extravert takes this as a cue to keep talking. 'the introvert may shut out the extravert, perhaps while silently nodding, or stop trying to contribute,' she says. the extravert needs to learn to slow down, but the introvert needs to learn to speak up.
carl jung, the swiss psychiatrist whose work was the inspiration for the myers-briggs type indicator, believed we are drawn to people different from us so that we can learn from them. but dr. helgoe says this theory has been largely debunked. recent research shows marital satisfaction is related to personality similarity. 'opposites might initially attract,' she says, 'but they can start to repel, if not identified and worked with, over time.'
tuesday is the webers' 41st wedding anniversary. it took two decades, they say, but they finally learned to cope with their vastly different styles. sometimes, they will drive to social events in different cars, so ms. weber can leave early if she wants. mr. weber goes to a happy hour after work one night a week without his wife.
they also spend every saturday apart. he meets pals early at starbucks, stops in at another coffee shop mid-morning to say hi to more friends and gathers a crowd at a local pub for lunch. she stays home and reads, calls her parents, catches up on email and walks the dog.
'both of you have to mellow out and find what works for you,' say ms. weber.
参考译文：
一天晚上，帕翠西亚•韦伯和马蒂•韦伯夫妇在自家的衣帽间里一边闲聊白天发生的事，一边准备穿戴赴宴。这时，帕翠西亚随口提了一句，“亲爱的，我真的不想整个晚上都耗在那儿。我们可以待一小时左右就走吗？”
她的丈夫是如何回应的呢？他扯下领带扔到地上，大声喊道，“忘了这回事儿吧！我们干脆不去就是了！”
有一种说法：或许最为复杂的婚姻状况，莫过于一个内向的人和一个外向的人的结合──往往一方喜欢宅在家中，另一方却爱外出交往。我们不妨来看看韦伯夫妇的情况。先生是个外向的人，他热衷交谈，喜欢让一大群人围在自己身边，无休止地参加各种早午餐会、下班后的快乐休闲活动和社交晚宴。而他的夫人是个内向的人，虽然她也乐意参加些时间不长的派对，但更愿在家里读读书，或同自己的狗狗共处。
很多人认为，内向型人格的定义就是害羞，而外向型人格就是开朗。这并不正确。内向者和外向者真正的区别，在于他们处理资讯的方式。内向者凭藉自身获得能量；而外向者则通过与他人交往来获取能量，往往人越多他们就越快活。
也有害羞的外向型人格和开朗的内向型人格。我们大多数人都是两者兼备的，但会倾向于其中一种。
内向的人通常更愿独处或只与一小群人交往，他们倾向于在开口前先仔细理清自己的思路；而外向的人喜爱交谈，尤其喜欢“大声地思考”，通过交谈来处理资讯。
即便你不是心理学专业的，也可想见这种差异在一段婚姻关系里可能造成怎样严重的问题。从待人接物到认知世界，内向人群和外向人群的行为方式是完完全全不相同的。于是内向的人会觉得外向的人讲话太快、太吵又太多；而外向的人经常觉得内向的人难以沟通、太保守或太冷淡。
像facebook、twitter和其他那些帮我们可以全天候保持联系的网站，正在使内向与外向人群之间的差异扩大化。在今天这个“社会媒体”（social-media）主导的世界里，内向的人变得更容易自说自话；而要让外向的人闭上嘴巴，也越发难办了。
心理学家劳瑞•赫尔戈（laurie helgoe）认为，内向人群和外向人群的数量是均等的。赫尔戈是西佛吉尼亚大学医学院（west virginia school of medicine）的助理临床教授，著有《内向的能量：为何内心世界就是你潜藏的力量》（introvert power: why your inner life is your hidden strength）一书。1998年，心理类型理论应用中心（center for applications of psychological type，就是用“迈尔斯-布里格斯性格类型指标”（myers-briggs type indicator）做人格测试的那家机构）的一项研究指出，在大约3000名随机抽取的测试对象当中，有51%为内向型人格。而在2001年进行的一次较小规模的测试中，内向人群的占比达到了57%。此外，在内向人群内部，男女比例也趋于对等。
韦伯夫妇一直在与他们俩性格上的这种内外向差异做着斗争。在他们结婚的头几年，韦伯夫人（现年62岁，是弗吉尼亚州威廉斯堡的一名企业教练）对于丈夫在一周里几乎每晚外出、有时甚至不能回家吃饭，经常感到十分恼火。（韦伯先生很早就开始使用手机，于是韦伯夫人会一个电话打到丈夫那只巨大而笨重的“大哥大”上，严厉责备一番）。
韦伯先生（现年61岁，是一名员工福利咨询顾问及保险经纪）经常邀请其他夫妇来家里，参加他们每周的“聚会之夜”。他的老板有一次告诉他，如果他还想继续升职的话，他的妻子就需要同其他高管夫人加强交往。韦伯先生说，“这一直是我们关系当中最大的矛盾。”
发生争论的那个晚上，韦伯夫人觉得丈夫误解了自己的意思。她说，“我不是说我不想参加那个活动，我只是试着让他心里有数，我不想整晚都待在那儿。”他们后来还是去了那个聚会，但在路上韦伯夫人说，“如果我去了洗手间20分钟还没回来，不要担心。我只是需要休整一下。”
对大脑成像的研究发现，内向者的大脑对于“外部刺激”表现出较为活跃的反应。这就能解释为何内向的人会感到，需要控制外来的刺激量。而相比之下，在受到外部刺激时，外向者的大脑只有和“寻找愉悦感”相关的区域会很活跃，他们认为社会交往是有趣的事，于是会主动创造这些机会。
当有人对内向者讲话时，她的大脑会高度活跃地对此做出回应。赫尔戈博士说，“就好像一块控制台上有几盏灯开始闪烁起来。”而内向者是需要不时返回自己的内心世界的。如果对方一直讲个不停，内向的人就会变得心烦意乱，感到不知所措。
赫尔戈博士说，当内向的人与外向的人交谈的时候，“看似在交流，事实上可能存在着问题。”内向的人会很安静，看起来似乎一直在倾听，外向的人就将此当作了继续讲话的信号。她说，“内向者也许会沉默地点头或不再多说什么话，其实内心已经在排斥外向者的讲话了。”外向者需要学会放慢语速，而内向者则要学习自我表达。
瑞士心理学家卡尔•荣格（carl jung）的著作启发了“迈尔斯-布里格斯性格类型指标”的创生。荣格认为，我们会被与自己不同的人所吸引，这样就可以从他们身上学到新东西。但赫尔戈博士说，这个理论已经遭到了很多人的反对。近期的研究表明，婚姻满意程度和（夫妻二人的）性格相似度有关。她说，“相反的性格特征最初可能具有吸引力，但是时间一长，如果没有注意到个中问题并努力纠正，双方可能就会开始相互排斥、反感。”
周二是韦伯夫妇的四十一周年结婚纪念日。他们说，他们用了二十年时间才最终学会了协调双方巨大的性格差异。有时候，他们会各自开车去参加社交活动，这样韦伯夫人就可以按照自己的心意提前离开。韦伯先生每周有一个晚上可以不陪妻子、尽享下班后的快乐时光。
他们的每个周六也是分开过的。韦伯先生会先去星巴克见见老朋友们，晌午时分转战另一家咖啡馆和更多朋友会面，然后再拉上一帮子人到当地一家酒吧吃午饭。而韦伯夫人则会待在家中读书，给父母打个电话，收发电子邮件，再遛遛狗。
韦伯夫人说，“两个人都得放松心态，找到适合自己的方式。”
